I had a dream..

.. onsite!

Yes, like an average Joe growing up this was one of dreams(Main coding karke Amreeka jaunga!).Well that, and becoming a guitarist and a footballer, and have a girlfriend(Nothing unusual, right?). For the first to materialize, I had to be a "successful engineer", and to be a successful engineer from Mumbai University(Well this statement can be completed!)
So given that I am an engineer from MU, you pretty much know what happened to other dreams.

Anyway, I decided to pursue the one dream which still wasn't shattered. Life as we know it is a biatch, which is why I was assigned to an internal project.
As I watch every other Tom, Dick and Harry's check-in at airport, I calmed myself saying just 632 days more.(Apparently there is an unwritten rule wherein you have signed a bond for 2 years against a project).

Some(most) of me mates lost their way and moved away from IT. The rest opted for paid onsite aka, MS(Amreeka toh jaana hi hai!). Not me though. I was determined!
So 730 days later, I was officially released from the unofficial bond and was a step closer to Amreeka!

Enter,biatch life! Thankfully not another internal project, but onsite? Get in the queue mister!(The most common reply). Anywho, preparing for interviews, getting back to the basics of coding, I finally managed to the bag a project wherein my dream could be realized. "Yes, an onsite is guaranteed*"(The * wasn't quite visible on telephonic interviews though).

I struggled through the project,while I was hanging myself on someone else's words, dying to believe in what I've heard. As the days slip by from my window watching.
It seemed like a meaningless fight. I knew the moment had arrived. I laid to rest the one last dream,I had as a child. A decade long dream, euthanized.
Thank you life. Thou art a heartless bitch!

"You tried and you failed miserably.The lesson is never try" - Homer Simpson

A musical journey

A random thought sprung my mind,as to why most Linkin Park fans are in their early teens,or why Floyd is the elixir for most mid-life crisis struck lot.I tried to link music with age or better,the phase of transformation through life in general.(What happened next is going to shock you!)At these junctures of transformation,I could see a shift in the musical inclination as well.

Usually commencing on the onset of adolescence,this phase is love laden.This is when so start noticing girls around you,and you fall in "love".Shes the cutest girl in school.Shes the one for you.Your life revolves around your endless efforts to get her attention.Some fortunes ones even have the courage to walk up and speak with them,but the rest are limited to the endless bouts of teasing.Oh,yeah and this is when you start listening to Backstreet Boys,Boyzone and all the classic ballads,because well she likes them!

Enter adolescence,the cute girl is no longer is picture. You've moved on,and you are kind of lost.And one fine day you come across Linkin Park,you know you've found the somewhere,where you truly belong.Every teenager is self-proclaimed biggest Linkin Park fan.(Rawk rulez!)Rest are Eminem fans,because there's a little Slim Shady in all of us.

Every person listening to boy bands is a noob,failing to realize that a couple a years back you were that noob in "love".

You then graduate to Metallica,Maiden,Sabbath as you are passed your teen years.Testosterone levels are off the charts,which is why you can relate to the head-banging,double bass and palm muted riffs.You are young,reckless,no responsibilities,fuck the authoritah!

Some further down the metal line into Cannibal Corpse,Bodom.Mosh is probably one word which brings out your happy face!

There is always this one girl who you know is going to fuck you up,but you want her anyway.Shes the kick you need.You are going to break the rules for her.And pretty soon you are going to end up owing your first drink to her.

Linkin Park?! How the fuck can you listen to that shit? And rock? Oh God please,Linkin Park is Nu-Metal,NOT ROCK!

Pretty soon you'll feel the weight of the world on your shoulders.It's when you end up home after a 20 hour work day or when the love of your life is going to turn you down,when you remember that one friend who was always there for you;who's in another time-zone now,probably going through the same shit as you,is when you are going to feel pinch in,"Wish you were here".

Floyd is an epitome of genius,muscially.You might have heard Floyd zillions of times before,but there comes a time when their words start making sense to you.You've made peace with life,you've matured.

Floyd are probably like your parents,whom you've kept listening to all your life,but its only now you know what they mean.

You still have the occasional encounter with your past,but look at them in a different light.You forgive them for their St. Anger!

Reflection

Being surround by people and still feeling lonely is probably the lowest you can ever hit.Which is why I decided to take a walk with my only "friend".

Small sips turned to swigs,and gravity was trying to get the better of me.Being the egotistical manic I am,I couldn't let it win,and so I kept walking.
Eventually,I had walked across to the other side of the beach,and decided to give my tired legs a rest.I gulped down of what remained and threw the bottle into the distant.

I gazed around,and I was surrounded by darkness.There was only the moon which lit the sky and the waves,crashing against the shore line.
Maybe since being born,never did I find so much tranquility around,as I did that moment.The silence combined with the high inhibition,got me introspecting my life,and where I had reached.

The pain,the suffering,the loneliness;I kept drowning myself into this self-indulgent pitiful hole I was digging.The more I thought about it,the more I kept falling deeper into the abyss.
I had come curiously close to the end,and as I looked back,I found it more comforting.I thought I'd find peace in that emptiness,and I kept walking towards it.
And the emptiness,it was calling me.

I don't remember what or how,but gravity had won,something which I couldn't bear.I lied down,fetal and weeping,looking at darkness.
As my dark moments kept growing deeper,I stared into the sky,as dark as what I was feeling.
There was a sudden light which hit me.The moon spoke to me.It told me a secret,in confidence.

"As full and bright as I am

This light is not my own andA million light reflections pass over me

Its source is bright and endless
She resuscitates the hopeless
Without her, we are lifeless satellites drifting"

I thought about all the pain and suffering and loneliness,and somehow,this time I could see a different side to it.I saw how my narcissism,my negativity,my cynicism was all but responsible for it.I thought about how many people I'd stepped on,to reach to the top.How my ego had always gotten the better of me,made me lose whom I wasn't supposed to.

I couldn't see myself feeding on the narcissism,of my self-indulgent pity I was creating,and I knew I had to get out.I didn't want to be the lifeless satellite,drifting away into oblivion.I knew I had to crucify my ego,before it was too late.I had to leave behind this place which was making me negative,blind and cynical.

I reached out for the light,in the hope that she'd lift me up,that she'd resuscitate me,before I pine away.

PS : This is just my interpretation of Tool's Reflection.

A study in Pink

It was 11.15 at night,on a friday,and I was walking out the office premises,with nothing but curses in my mouth and disgust on the face.It was an evening I had planned out with friends,night of binge drinking,roaming around the streets and reaching home,wee hours into the night.
But,alas.Work as I was about to leave,and the planned had to be axed.

Anyway,with everything sorted,and deprived food and plans,all I wanted to do was go home and sleep.But,the day wasn't done ridiculing me.It started to pour down,and my curses went from body parts to mothers and sisters,and I scrammed for cover,with the bag on my head,not before being drenched completely.Just what I needed to wrap up the day.

Maybe it was the swearing,that a petite young girl,across the road,noticed me.She looked at me dire state,and came over with her bright pink umbrella and stood next to me.She looked at me,made a sequence of nods,assuring she wasn't going to mug me,and with the tacit understanding,and put myself under the cover of the umbrella.

She a slender built,fair,had lank hair,wearing a pink salwar,almost matching her umbrella and a black kameez.She wore a pretty smile across her face,and those hazy eyes of hers,were meant to be lost in.She was what you call the girl next door.She was beautiful in the true sense of the word.My day suddenly wasn't that bad after all.

As we walked,I set myself onto an arduous task of trying to fit myself with another human being,into an umbrella meant for one.I tried not to get close to her,neither too far away,but still half of me was outside and being soaked."Don't worry",she smiled."Get in,don't drench yourself more than you already have.Don't be shy!".She sounded like a sweet acoustic riff,off of Eric Clapton's guitar.
A thank you is all I could splutter out,and we continued to walk and she continued to smile.We walked a good 5 minutes in nothing but silence,to the background of our footsteps splashing water and belligerent rain striking against the umbrella and our bodies.

As we reached the main exit,I prepared to started inching towards the right to get to the bus stop,whereas she prepared to turn to the left.We stopped."Well,this is it",I said."Thank you",and I braced myself to beat Usain Bolt's time in a 100 m dash to the stop."No problem.Always happy to help",she said with her ever luminant smile.As I turned,I heard a hesitant voice,"Hey listen".I stopped and looked at her."I need to walk this way.It's late,and there aren't many lights either.If it isn't much of a bother for you,could you please walk with me?"
Well lets see,a dash in the rains to a bus stop,only inhabited by the homeless ragamuffins,or a walk with a beautiful girl,cramped inside an umbrella,on an empty,dull lit road.For the first time probably in my life,all the living cells(probably the dead ones too) inside me hailed in unison,for the latter.
"Sure,why not",I told her and we both smiled.

We walked in silence again,and it started to bother me now.Trying to break the ice,I tried to be smart-ass."You seem very happy leaving work at 11.30 on a friday night.You surely must not be from IT",I smirked.
She smiled right back at me."IT ain't that bad.I mean sure we don't get paid like our MBA friends,or get to travel,but hey,its what we chose to do,right?Atleast I was never forced to get into engineering nor forced into getting into programming.It was my decision all along."
She was determined to take out the devil inside of me which made me overlook the pros of being a software developer.If the IT industry ever needed someone to represent itself,she would be the perfect candidate for it.
We talked for a good 15 odd minutes,with me arguing on how life sucks in general,whilst she tried to convince me otherwise.She never seized to differ from the fact that you need to look at the brighter side of things,and I tried to convince her how to kill the light on the bright side and focus on the darker things and crib over it.

We reached a junction and stopped."Hold this,will you?",and she handed me her bag.She frantically searched for something in her bag,and finally got hold of it.She pulled out a cigarette lighter out of the bag and then started searching again.
I said to myself,"What kind of a person is this? A frail,beautiful girl,walks with a random guy she just met,along a deserted road,in almost pitch darkness,at freaking almost midnight,when she could've easily taken a 2 minute rickshaw ride home,and now she stops for a smoke?"
As my mind was trying to recall all the possible adjectives to describe her,she pulled out a candle from her bag."Give me a moment,will you?",she asked politely.
She lit the candle,closed her eyes and stood there,getting wet in the rain.And there I was,holding a pink umbrella,a ladies bag,in the middle of the road,watching her.I was flummoxed at the whole situation.The only consolation was there was no one else on the street to watch the whole thing.

In a while,I could feel an air of sadness around her.For the good hour or so I had known her,I had for the first time seen her a frown on her face.It was raining,and I could see a drop of water falling from her eyes.But,it felt more of a tear than a rain drop.
She opened her eyes a couple of minutes later,and wiped her eyes as well as the frown.She smiled again and we walked again.She took the bag from my hands and thanked me.

I was still trying to figure out what was all that about,she,in her sweet voiced said,"You must be wondering what kind of a crazy girl I am."
"Heck no!This is what people do on,with random people they just meet!",I said,though,to myself.I spluttered out a few gibberish words and she cut me short."Last month,a bunch of drunken goons ran their car over my brother and my mother,at this spot.I lit the candle for them."
"My father got transferred to the other side of the country.My mom stayed back because my brother was still studying and I loved my job and friends and didn't want to leave this place.But it's all gone now.I quit my job.Today was my last day,hence I stayed back,looking at all the beautiful things I had created using only so many keystrokes.I looked at my friends,whom I shared so many coffee breaks with.I wanted to take them with me.But the truth is I can't.I'll be moving with my father.I'll be leaving tomorrow morning.I'll be leaving my life over here.I don't want to go.I don't want to start over."

I was rendered speechless.I just wanted to hold her,and tell her cry.Cry it out,I'll hold you.She somehow held herself together and stopped the tears from rolling out of her eyes.

"I am so sorry for this",she said."I don't know what happened,I just cracked.I am so sorry you had to hear this.I mean I don't even know you."But I was still speechless.
"Anyway,this is me.Good night.Here,have this umbrella.It's still pouring.And once again,I am so sorry."
She waved at me and disappeared in the darkness.

I stood there for a couple of seconds,trying real hard for everything to make sense.Finally took a rickshaw,and went directly home.
The whole ride back,I kept wondering how puerile I have become.This girl was encumbered by so many sorrows,and still she managed to smile out it.Heck,she even tried to convince me about how beautiful life is.And I was cribbing over the fact that I had missed out on one happy hours deal,with friends I'll be meeting again the next day,performing the same rituals.

She made me introspect on what I had become.And the funny thing was,I didn't even know who she was,her name,where she was from,where she'll be going to,nothing.All I had was her pink umbrella.I rolled it up and put it in my bag.
I had reached my destination,paid the fare,took the stairs.I entered my place,threw my bag,went to room,and laid on bed.I thank god for everything I had,and I curled.That night,I just wanted to sleep.

Friendzoned

"I like you <insert your name here>,but as a friend.I hope you understand."
Face it,90% of you guys out there must've heard this one atleast once.

So I was having a casual conversation with an esoteric friend as to why girls like to friendzone us so much.Her reply,to my amazement,and I am quoting her,"It feels kinda incest to be dating a friend.It just feels weird."

Incest?So just because you know someone,you know their habits,you make fun of clumsy ones with them,they suddenly related to you by blood?!

Okay,incest not in the literal terms,but what she meant was,girls feel weird to date someone they know,someone say friend.
So exactly how is this supposed to go in that case?
Say I see a cutie at the bus stop,should I keep staring at her,get in the same bus as her,go up to her and say,"Well hey,I find you cute,and since we aren't friends,there's nothing to feel weird about going out with me!"

What I don't get is girls keep complaining about the fact that guys aren't as romantic as the ones portrayed in romantic movies.Well,aren't those the same movies tell you that the best partner you can have is one who is your friend?So,why the differentiation?

I don't mean to deride,what I really want to know is how is a guy supposed to ask someone out,he knows,if you girls find it weird.

You aren't going to like someone just by looking at them for the first time.Its going to be gradual thing.You are going to talk,you will make fun of them,they'll make fun of you,you'll curse them,you cry with them,you'll cry because of them,you laugh together.Only then would you feel comfortable being with someone,wouldn't you?
Or,is the love at first sight thing not a myth?

And if you are one of those who would feel weird dating a friend,let them know,when you know hes into you.
No guy is going to stay up into the night,listening to what you shopped for,or trying to put a smile on your face 24x7,or change just coz you told him to.No,seriously,we never change,unless its again,another woman in our lives,mom,who emotionally blackmails us!

So when you get these "subtle" hints,tell him,"Dude,better back-off before I friendzone you!",and save us the horrors,and probably a friend too! :)

And please,don't ever do this to anyone!
(Video credits : TheViralFeverVideos)

Makeshift

They say first times are real hard to let go,first love,first house,first car(you get the point).
My first 15 seconds of fame is a similar case.It was all makeshift,but it has etched itself onto me.

There I was cheering on to this band which called itself Makeshift,while they rocked my socks off.Little did I know that I'd soon be a part of them.
So like the name suggested,the band was makeshift,which lead-bass-vocalist being permanent members,whilst the rhythm and drummer were added to line-up later on.Anyway,trying to be a groupie,it spilled out that they were in search for a rhythm guitarist and I happened to be one.One thing led to another,and an audition later,woohoo,I was officially part of Makeshift!

Pretty soon it was practice time,as we were nearing our college's "Rock Show".There we were,a vocalist,a bass,a lead and a rhythm,but no sign of a drummer.A few calls here and there,and we found a drummer,a freaking metal drummer,with a shinny Tama kit,and then shit just got real!

A whole week off from lectures,practicing,cursing,laughing,lame-ass wannabe air-guitaring,gate-crashing our drummer into the college premises,head banging,a cutting chai at the end of it,discussing about shit,getting home,practicing even more,Nirvana,Floyd,Maiden ringing in head the whole day,and night,ain't nothing better than that.

D-Day,hands shivering(I swear it was the air-conditioning),and sweating at the same time(again,the air-conditioning)and we go back stage saying,"Lets not shit out  there and lets have some fun.In God we trust,and Rock we must(Anna you effing genius)".
There was I was watching my band perform Yellow,waiting anxiously to get on stage.The song ended and I made my way onto stage,and was handed my axe.Plugged it,checked sound levels,thumbs up and we were good to go.

Drummer gave count and I to a pin drop silence,I started my Smells Like riff,and holy fuck,wheres the sound.Nightmares-nightmares!
Anna stepped onto my processor a few seconds before start and detached my main cable.(Anna,kutte!)
Plugged in again,got the count again,and this time it smelled like teen spirit!

Nirvana-Deep Purple-Maiden,we did it all.And the best part,most of it,like our band was makeshift.A day or so before the performance,we were just sitting,talking,and suddenly someone plays Hallowed,drummer starts off,bass starts,and hold on,lets cover this.And just like that,Maiden made it to our list.And it didn't stop there."Abbe Fear of the dark karte hai,dekh aaise..",and before we knew it,another Maiden song got onto the list.

Sure I sucked,I shit a lot.At one point in Maiden,I even let go off my guitar and joined Anna on the mic,and sure as hell sucked at vocals as well,but who gave a fuck?I was high,high on this elixir called music.Those 30 odd mins,sublime.

Year two was even more better as Makeshift had for change 5 permanent wannabes.I even said lets change our name to something else.Mother-Haggers,Make-Shit,among others were my prominent suggestions.
Year two saw us headlining the "Rock Show",but that wasn't the real deal.The set list we had planned was the effing reason why I was so looking forward to the show.
Zero,The Doors,Pink Floyd,Metallica,GnR,we had planned out on everything.Heck,I was doing the leads on an instrumental.Heck heck,my lead let me take the limelight!(This is primarily why I respect you guys so much,we never had any ego clashes,it was always about music).

Jam sessions were even more better,even more heavier,even more fun,and yet full of shit!
We still followed cutting chai discussion at the end of the day.

D-Day all over again,hands shivering and sweating,again(darn you air-conditioning),the same prayer again,and we were at it again!
Same shit,same high,only much-much longer and better.The set list just kept getting better,and then we reached the penultimate performance,"Emosonal Attyachar".And,the whole place went gone nuts.I had never witnessed something of that magnitude.This one couldn't have been topped,and we called it off without the Metallica medley(saalon,kutton!).

At the end of it,packing up our stuff,I realised something.This was my last year with Makeshift.As much as I was high on the performance,this fact hit me somewhere.
Two years of memories flashed before me.All the music we played,all the music we talked about,all the shit we talked about,all the nicknames we made,all the noobs we made fun of,every freaking thing!

Sure,I went on without you guys the next year,sure I enjoyed,sure I got high,but it wasn't Makeshift!
The jams weren't the same.The double bass was missing.The Papdipoop wasn't there.
Anna's on-stage antics weren't there(No one can make the crowd go wild,the way you do),no Matrix moves(Sridharan),I relied on tabs rather than my ears(Ambuj),no more kick-ass drumming(Mukul).

Kutton,we need to jam.Get your asses back here!

Twenty20

Growing up,I always felt a little jealous of my elder brother.I always wished I would grow up quickly,and enjoy all the freedom in life,being alone,going to the movies with friends,pocket money,et al.And it was a never ending phase,because when I became what he was,he would move on another step and become even more awesome,making all my years of waiting seem worthless.
Hence,when he graduated and started working,started being independent,I just couldn't wait for the day I would I start earning.And now that I am living the phase which I had been dreaming about since the last 9 odd years,I have realized that it is nothing like what I had anticipated for.

For any teen,my life would like a fairy tale story.Still in my early 20s,working for of the top IT company in the country,staying in the city that never sleeps,friends who specialize in douchiness;yes,I live the dream.People find it hard to fathom,how someone can still be frustrated with such a life !
I used to feel the same,when my brother had started working.I would laugh at him,when he cribbed about his job.I would say,"How can you hate this?I can't wait for this phase of my life to begin !"

It started off the way I had always dreamt it would be like.It was a high.But then,the roller-coaster just decided to go for a plunge and never return.And,I knew,to be precise,like Leonard would say it,"I was attached to another object by an inclined plane,wrapped helically around an axis !"

World was shrunk to a size of 10x10;word/excel/paint was where I was immersed in;cell-phone and instant messengers were one of the most hated things,because of the constant work related calls/pings;changes were no longer inevitable,they were only requests;but the most difficult thing to do was to explain people,who knew nothing about my work,my work so that I can get their approval,to do my work.
Being saturated with frustration,PG seemed the only way out of this hell.But fate had some other plans.It seemed as if I had,the Sadim Touch.Tried to start preparing for MS,suddenly rupee decided to take plunge.Tried to quit,job security became the primary aim,in the tumbling economy.Tried to start preparing for MBA,government decided to make admission test common all over the country.

With no choice but to continue with the job at hand,I struggle to see the path ahead,try to survive in the rat race,where sycophancy is the way of life.I sit there,seeing my youth being wasted,at a rate of 12 hours/day.